Questions and answers to helpyou understand and heal from
this virulent, toxic form of abuse.
‘How can I possibly be pining for a person who has put me though absolute hell? I know it’s a trauma bond but wow, this is so frickin’ HARD!!! I am in agonising pain and on the verge of admitting myself to hospital because I just can’t cope. How can I stop this?’ That’s a message I received from one of my support group members recently and it’s not an uncommon one.
breaking the trauma bond,
narcissistic trauma bondings
I’m guessing that you have probably been following at least some of the Johnny Depp / Amber Heard trial, as it’s hard to miss it due to the high profile of JD in particular, and the obsession the media has with anything celebrity. I’ve been following as much as I can - and let’s face it, there’s a LOT to try and keep up with - and I have shared a lot of highlights with my FB Group members, and one of the most recent parts of the trial that came up that got some people (especially the JD fans) confused, was the testimony of psychiatrist Dr. David Spiegel, who was called by AH’s defence team, and who said JD might be a narcissist. And then the cross-examination shows you what a farce it really is.
Narcissistic abuse relationship,
Intimate partner violence, IPV
Discarding is the final stage of the trifecta in narcissistic abuse – love bomb, devalue, discard - although it’s by no means always the end of the line. Their reign of destruction continues with hoovering, flying monkeys and smear campaigns to carry on wreaking havoc in your life, and that’s literally what happens – if you let it. Narcissists discard people like toxic waste and it can be absolutely devastating.
narcissistic discard, narcissisticabusehealing
To want to get revenge, get your own back is human nature. When we’ve been wronged and hurt, it’s our moral right to want to defend ourselves. We think that they deserve a piece of our mind, and in most normal relationships, when we’ve been cheated on or betrayed and we confront the person who’s done that to us, they are usually sorry, ashamed or whatever.
Revenge on your Narcissist
Do you feel shameful about your narcissistic relationship? If so, I promise you, you’re not alone. Many of the people I’ve worked with said they felt too ashamed to tell anyone, especially when they were married or were in a long-term relationship, and everyone thought their partner was lovely.
Narcissistic Abuse Healing, narcissistic abuse shame,
Narcissistic Abuse Recovery
People go back time and time again to their Narcissistic Abuser, before they finally say 'Enough is enough!' and reach out for help Previous to that, even though they knew that going back would just keep on breaking their hearts, the compulsion to go back was irresistible. But there is a REASON why this happens...
This is something that many people ask, and they hold in their hearts the belief that maybe their Narcissist can be cured, or maybe they can fix them. Sadly though, the fact is, they can’t be ‘fixed’. The nature of NPD itself means that Narcissists don’t think there is anything wrong with them. They think they are perfect and that the world should bend to their every whim, so they rarely ever seek treatment.
One of the first questions a victim of Narcissistic Abuse is often asked after they reveal the depths of despair they were in during their relationship with a Narcissist, is ‘Why didn’t you leave sooner’, or worse, ‘Why the hell did you go BACK?’ Victims of Narcissistic abuse frequently leave the relationship because it was unbearable to be...
Vacuum Cleaners, aka Hoovers, suck up dust and debris. The term hoovering is used to describe a common tactic the narcissist uses after the discard phase, usually in multiple attempts to ‘suck’ you back into the relationship. To the narc, you’re nothing more than dust and debris that needs to be hovered up and spat back out again when he’s done abusing you a second (or more!) times around.
Narcissists have an insatiable appetite for fuel, so no matter what you do for them, it will never, ever, be enough. And when that starts to happen, they become angry and disappointed that you’re not living up to their ridiculous and totally unattainable standards. That’s why they start devaluing you. They will criticize absolutely every single thing about you that they possibly can.
Narcissistic Abuse is impossibly hard on anyone, but it’s doubly so for a man caught in the trap. Why? There are several reasons. One is, because typically women garner sympathy more easily than men. Typically women were thought of as the ‘weaker sex’, right or wrong. But the truth is... women can be a lot more...
Narcissistic Abuse to men
No contact means just that. You sever all ties with the narc. Delete / block their phone / email. Block them on FB and social media. In case they have sent you threatening or ugly emails, texts or smeared you on social media, make a copy of everything and file it somewhere safe. You may need it for legal purposes.
It's not a nice question to ask, but unfortunately, the truth is that you have to ask yourself this question, and I hope this article will encourage you to burst the bubble if you believe otherwise, and be prepared for the brutal truth.
Triangulation is a tactic Narcissists use to employ a third party by bringing them into the relationship (superficially or otherwise) in their attempts to belittle, confuse, or worry you, create jealousy, fear of loss and causing you to vie for their attention and affections. So triangulation involves three people – the narcissist, their victim, and the ‘third party’ who gets drawn into the drama, usually in a covert operation orchestrated by the narcissist.
Cognitive Dissonance came from American Social Psychologist Leon Festinger, and the theory is that we have this inner drive to hold all our attitudes and behaviour in harmony to avoid disharmony, or dissonance. When something gets in the way of that, we get cognitive inconsistency. But what does that actually mean for you?
A bully at work can make your life a living hell. I know, because I’ve worked with clients who have shared their horror stories with me. Narcissists often show up in the workplace, and to make matters worse, they are often in positions of authority.
Love-Bombing, also known as 'Idealization' is the first stage a Narcissist uses to engage, snare and capture you. The narcissist will hone in on his (or her) target like bees round a honeypot. He (or she) will have researched you (via social media, friends, or colleagues), to find out as much as possible about you. This means that when they contacts you, they knows what to say to get your interest. You’ll feel an immediate rapport with him or her.
Abuse, Trauma Bonding, Love Bombing
Narcissists are nothing if not predictable. In the romantic Narcissistic scenario, the 'Trifecta' is typically, 'Love-Bombing', 'Devaluing' and 'Discarding'. Often followed by 'Hoovering', and then the whole cycle starts again. When they get to the devaluing stage, that’s when the ‘nasty’ really begins. The will start by doing any or all of the following – and these are just some examples…
Narcissists come in all shapes and sizes, and affect both men and women, because both can be Narcissists. Maybe you have a Narcissistic Mother, Father, Husband or Wife? If so then you'll know that living with one is a nightmare, hell on earth existence. You need to learn all you can about this insidious form of psychological (and often physical) abuse so that you can learn how to get out.
I’m going to share a bunch of phrases with you that will help you know if you are (or were) being gaslighted, and what you can do to put a stop to it – not the gaslighting itself, because you can’t stop Narcs from doing what they do, but if you’re still in the relationship with this person and you can't get out - or even if you have gotten out, but you still keep going back over stuff and ruminating about it and asking yourself constantly if you were crazy, or too sensitive or jealous or whatever – you need to know the truth, and what you can do to stop buying into the narc’s gaslighting BS.
Abuse, Narcissistic Abuse Healing
You might have been with a narcissist for a couple of months, or multiple years. But the fact is, it doesn't matter how long you've been in a relationship with a narcissist - the damage they do is undeniable. They make your life a complete and utter misery. The narcissist could be your partner, your parent, or even a co-worker or boss. It doesn't matter who they are - they all have the ability to emotionally destroy you.
Gaslighting is an emotional abuse tactic used by narcissists who manipulate you into questioning your own perceptions. They’re adept at making you doubt your own reality.The term originates from a 1938 play by British dramatist Patrick Hamilton. Two films were subsequently made, in 1940 and 1944, further popularizing the term. In the story, the manipulative husband keeps doing things to make his wife doubt her sanity. For example, he keeps hiding special items of hers, then telling her she's to blame for losing them.
Many of the people I’ve talked to about Narcissistic abuse start by telling me that they feel it’s their fault, or that they’ve done something to deserve the abuse. I tell them quite frankly, this is nonsense. Nobody deserves this kind of abuse. And they didn’t deserve it. And neither do you. But you can, and must, find the path to healing. Your sanity, and your psychological wellbeing, depends on it.
The most important thing for you to understand if you’ve been involved with a ‘narc’, is that (NPD) is one of 10 personality disorders listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. You're dealing with a Mental Disorder and this person is anything but 'normal'. It fits in with the Cluster B disorders on the DSM. You're dealing with a mental illness.
Pretty much everyone across the globe now knows about the Covid pandemic. But there is a much more dangerous, covert pandemic living amongst us – that of narcissistic abuse. A pandemic is described as a disease that is ‘prevalent over a whole country or the world. ’There is no doubt in my mind that narcissistic abuse is a global pandemic, albeit one that not nearly enough people know about.
A study revealed 31% of Americans find the holiday season ‘frantic’, and I’m sure results in the UK and other countries would come up with similar percentages. Big holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas, which both come soon, and close together, can be even more difficult to cope with if you’ve been recently Discarded by your ex Narcissist.
Forgiveness and trust after Narcissistic Abuse, in spite of what you might be feeling right now, is possible. However, I must point out here that there are 2 stages of forgiving – one for yourself and one for the narc… but that comes a long way down the road of recovery – and for some, they will never be able to fully forgive.
The subject of spirituality and religion seems to be popping up a lot lately – not just in my group, but a lot of other places in my network, so I thought it would be a good topic to have a chat with you about today.
If so, you're not alone! It's happened to many women - (even two women who joined my group and it had only been live for a week!) There are many reasons why this happens, but the bottom line is that the Narcissist is an expert at manipulation, and once they really know you (marrying you is going to help with that big time!), that level of skill grows exponentially because they have come to know you on a very intimate level... t
Understanding the term Grey Rock, and what it means, is particularly useful if you’re in a Narcissistic Relationship and you simply can’t get out – typically the reasons you can’t have to do with finance or children, or when you’re planning your escape strategy but you know it’s going to take time or you’re at the sage where you’re thinking of finding that way out,
There are many reasons why you could have become a victim of a Narcissist. In this article, I'll look at mothers and romantic partners. So, firstly, you could have been born into it – That’s very often where it starts. If you’ve been unfortunate enough to have a narcissistic mother, you’ve undoubtedly fought a long hard battle with trying to come to terms with, or even understand, what’s happened to you.
A while back, I watched the Netflix Series, Dirty John. It’s the true story of an American man named John Meehan, who love-bombed and married 59 year old Debra Newell after a whirlwind two month courtship, and which almost ended in disaster for one her family members.
It is! The more I read and learn about narcissistic abuse, and more importantly, surviving it, healing from it, then thriving, the more I realise something I have known all along... that self-love is the absolute key to healing.
So you’ve gone no contact, identified yourself as a victim and dealt with what that entailed, but you’re still not out of the woods, home free and happy. What is probably going on now is that you are ruminating on the past. This means that you're going over everything that your Ex did and said, and you keep asking yourself whether you could have handled things differently, whether it was all your fault, whether you're going crazy.
Narcissistic abuse is a form of (primarily) emotional and psychological abuse, although it can and does often involve physical abuse as well. NPD is a mental illness and those who have it must abuse their ‘target’ or ‘victim’– it’s how their warped minds function and the can’t, won’t or don’t want to, control or change their behaviour and studies suggest they’re addicted to dopamine, one of the brain’s ‘happy’ or ‘feel-good’ chemicals.
Flying Monkeys is a phrase common in Narcissistic Abuse circles. It comes from those nasty characters the Wicked Witch of the West had flying around doing her dirty work for her. They go by other names too, but basically they are the allies that a Narcissist ‘recruits’ to use against you in their smear campaigns. They are also used in 'Triangulation', another common form of abuse used by Narcissists.
I want to clarity what narcissistic supply, or fuel, is, so you’ll understand how you are providing it, and what you can do to stop. Of course, how this plays out depends on the type of relationship you’re in. The dynamic between a narcissistic mother and a daughter is going to be different from that of a romantic pairing – which is what I’ll talk about here, but they all need that same thing… Fuel.
If you’ve spent any time with a Narcissist, you’ll already know that they can border on both the ridiculous and the hilarious. Some of the things they say to you, and request you to do, can be utterly absurd. I asked some of the women in my Facebook Group, Infinite Self-Worth after Narcissistic Abuse, to share some of their ridiculous and hilarious stories...
The answer is, sadly, very bad indeed. A Narcissist will do any and all of the following things on a daily basis, without a backward glance, and without caring one iota how much they are hurting you. The Narcissist, whether male or female, has an inexhaustible armoury of weapons that they can and will use against you. Here are 14 examples...
Overt Narcissists are usually quite easy to spot. If you know someone who is ‘big-headed’, vain, always bragging about how brilliant, funny, smart and clever they are, chances are good that they are Narcissists. They frequently exaggerate their achievements, lie about stuff all the time, think they are so much better than everyone else, that they’re unique and special, and watch out, because...
Cerebral Narcissists are all about their own intelligence, and they often do have above average intelligence. try to bedazzle everyone with their extensive knowledge of everything, and they’ll always take the long, complicated highway to explain everything so they can display their extensive knowledge of everything. They believe that they are God's gift to the world and nobody surpasses them intellectually.
Somatic Narcissists are all about the physical. Appearance is everything. They want to look good, and usually want to have someone who looks equally good, on their arm. A trophy, as it were. Somatics flaunt their sex appeal, sensual/sexual prowess, and gorgeous bodies. They’ll frequently brag about how many times people eye them up, chat them up, flirt with...
So you've made the break, and gone No Contact. You're determined the relationship is over, yet you live in dread of bumping into your ex when you're out and about. So what the heck can you do to prepare yourself and not fall to pieces if you do run into them? It doesn't have to send you into a complete tailspin. There are things you can do to protect yourself.
The answer is simple, but it’s far from easy to cut the ties with a Narcissistic Mother - and symbolically 'divorce' her. Very often if you do, you’ll get untold flak from other family members who’ll accuse you of being ‘selfish’ and ‘cruel’ and ‘heartless’… especially if you were the scapegoat in the family growing up. Then you are painted even blacker than ever!
I think all who suffer narcissistic abuse go through various stages, similar to those going through grief, and then some. But the 5 stages of grief for example, are not enough because they end with acceptance, which is what happens when you lose someone to death and you finally come to terms with it. However, it's just not that simple when NPD is involved because abuse brings a different kind of grief.
If you are in a relationship with a Narcissist, the chances are you've asked yourself this question a thousand times. But you'll have gotten do deeply mired in the treachery of Narcissistic Abuse that you can barely think straight anymore, and you'll think it's your fault. But I've got news for you. It's NOT! You've been targeted by a very cunning person who knows exactly what to look for.
Before I start, I will say that if you are suffering any kind of physical symptoms, or think you might be suffering with any of the things mentioned in this post, always be sure to see your Doctor. I’m not a medical practitioner and I’m not qualified to give any kind of medical advice. I am however, a certified Clinical NLP / Hypnotherapist with experience helping people recover from trauma and abuse.
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