How to go 'No (or Low) Contact' with a Narcissist

No contact means just that. You sever all ties with the narc. Delete / block their phone / email. Block them on FB and social media. In case they have sent you threatening or ugly emails, texts or smeared you on social media, make a copy of everything and file it somewhere safe. You may need it for legal purposes.

Then, block all mutual friends. Across the board. Keep contact only with your must trusted allies, and make sure they know what you have been dealing with, and instruct them to block the narc too.

You may also start receiving texts from unknown numbers – the narc is adept at recruiting ‘flying monkeys’ – allies who believe their BS and who are nasty enough to get involved in their hate campaign against you, or people who are genuinely charmed by themand believe their BS stories about you. However, be aware that narcs also use flying monkeys to try to lure you back, often with lies about how much they are missing you and how they feel they've made a terrible mistake. Don't fall for it.

If you do receive such messages, delete them the instant you realize what is going on and block the sender. Do this as many times as you have to. You may even decide to change your phone number but it’s not unheard of for the narc to still manage to find it so it’s not a guarantee that you won’t hear from them. If you do, block them immediately.

Also, I know women who’ve had to take out restraining orders to keep their narc away from them and their home. Having evidence to show the police in this case will be to your advantage. You have to make it impossible, or as difficult as possible, for them to contact you.

Take it a step further and delete or remove any photos, gifts or any kind of memorabilia you have of them. Sell or donate their gifts to charity. You don’t want anything in your space that will remind you of them.

If you are living in the same home – and the narc has vacated - consider redecorating or moving furniture around. You might not feel like doing this, but it will help!

One client I worked with told me she had completely redecorated her home, but on closer questioning about her ex-narc breaking into her house and raping her, I discovered that she had not been able to face changing the room where it had happened.

She felt physically sick every time she went in there, and avoided the room for over 2 years. After a couple of sessions with me, she was able to strip the room down to the bare walls and redecorated it in bright, uplifting colours. She was then able to enjoy the room!

If you’re seeking divorce, get a lawyer who understands NPD, or at the very least, domestic violence and coercive control. If they don’t have this knowledge, there’s a big risk that the narc will hoodwink the lawyer with their charm offensive. You need someone who knows how to see through the narc’s BS.

In the case of low contact, for divorce / child issues or business issues, have your lawyers deal with everything and do not deal directly with the narc at all.

Subsequently when the issues have been resolved, for example, with your children, make all the arrangements via a third party – ideally a safe person in your life.

If this is not going to be possible, make sure that the visitation rules are written in stone, witnessed by both lawyers, down to the smallest detail. Then, stick to those boundaries. Be as ‘grey rock’ as you possibly can be during your dealings with your ex but be absolutely rigid about boundaries, and keep your lawyer posted of any breaches.

If you’re in business with a narc, there is only one real solution. Find a way out. Get legal advice and formulate an exit strategy. You cannot continue to co-exist happily in business with a narc. To try means continually keeping yourself within striking distance of more abuse. Don’t let it happen. Find a way out.

All survivors of narcissistic abuse will tell you that no contact is the only way. No matter how hard it might seem, it’s the only way.

If you need help and support to get out of a narcissistic relationship, or to recover once you've left, click here.

Updated 09.02.2022